Bed-night Snack

When I was ten years old I had a caretaker say something to me that impacted two of my eating habits until adulthood.

During my childhood I didn't like to go to bed hungry. Mama would always permit me and my brothers to have a "bednight snack" that usually was toast, a warm tortilla, one treat from the treat bowl, popcorn, or a bowl of cereal. Never too large of portion, and usually consumed around 9pm-a couple hours after dinner. So this was one of my habits, that mama endorsed, and it made my tummy feel satisfied before I went to bed and helped my soul begin to sleep. 

So here I was, ten years-old on a special family trip with our caretaker. Bedtime snack habit in place. There were lots of snacks in our suite and everyone was excited and up late in celebration of the special event. The caretaker instructed me and my brothers it was time to go to bed, and I shared with her that I was hungry and wanted a snack first. Little did she know, her response to me would travel deep into my soul and fortify a bad root. She looked at me, rolled her eyes, and with a disgusted tone said "Keri, you don't need a snack" emphasizing how much I had already eaten. 

For testimony sake, I will inform you that I was not an overweight child, I didn't have any cavities, my blood pressure and blood sugar were healthy and stable and I was well in my body. 

My caretaker's response to me at age 10 was shaming. I felt flawed for asking, flawed for wanting. Then I felt controlled by her refusing to give me what I wanted. I felt shamed and controlled. For many years to follow the root of shame and control affected my motivations with food. I was private about it, not openly discussing my eating choices, especially how much I ate. (Sidenote: healthy eating wasn't a challenge for me, but I did usually eat more than my female peers so being satisfied with small portions was my challenge.) The root of feeling controlled motivated me to control. This looked like having a "back up", more food available for me to access if someone didn't provide me enough to eat, for whatever reason. This plan allowed me to take care of myself and not be subjected to someone else deciding my portions!

As an adult I confronted these habits that developed from a painful experience in my youth. Now, one of the ways I practice health is I make myself accountable to my husband and practice openness with him regarding my relationship to food and my motivations. Freedom!

I leave you with this...our words are powerful, our judgements are felt, and our criticism breaks others down. May we not sow shame today, or try to control others, no matter what! Instead, impact others' relationship with food for health sake, always in encouragement, honor, and love.