Spend My Life

Willow came third. Perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully third. She is a dream. She is purpose fulfilled. She thrills my heart and her existence sings my song. I adore her, and I will spend my life championing her to stand. Carrying a female in my womb was completely different than carrying males. Her presence beckoned me to press in to my feminine form and examine the present beliefs, habits, and narrative about being female. For me, carrying her was a time of testing, trying, and opportunity to change. I did not anticipate this-I rarely do. But I whole-heartedly believe in transformation with God and believed my cooperation was vital in order to best serve her life. I recognized the beliefs and habits I carried for myself as a woman needed to be aligned with the way I championed other women; sensing my daughter would emulate not what I believe for, fight for, and stand for for women but how I am as a woman. So, I needed to do the difficult work of processing all discrepancy. It takes courage to change, and it’s worth the risk. God can do abundant work with a willing heart. What I would discover ignited destiny.

I had generations worth of restrictions, disregard, and dishonor that my heart was carrying for women. And although I was full of love and justice- a passion for their freedom and mine, I was keenly aware of the lack in my own womanhood. I questioned “how can I stand for better for other women when it isn’t full in my own life?” When I come upon a wall and movement halts, I must get low. I have to dig to get understanding. When I gain understanding I gain freedom. The bible says in all your getting, get understanding (See Proverbs 4:7). So, I dug.

I focused on four main questions and found answers.
1) What does God say about me (a woman)?
God’s heart in the scriptures I gathered (see list below) is not exclusive to males or females. These are God’s words to His creation of humanity: male and female. When we fix our identity on God and what He says about who we are, we’re kept from the distraction of false identities. When we tether our security to God’s unchanging heart toward us, we are protected from the seduction of false security. The bible says to tighten the belt of Truth around us. “Stand therefore [hold your ground], having tightened the belt of truth around your loins and having put on the breastplate of integrity and of moral rectitude and right standing with God” Ephesians 6:14, AMPC.) The truth is the Word of God, the bible. Fortifying ourselves in the Truth protects us from the battlefield of lies and convinces us of who we were created to be. 

The Word of God says: God gives hope to me. He protects me and satisfies me. He loves and validates me. He thinks good thoughts towards me. He pays attention to me, and He adores and favors me. He made me, and He gave me destiny. He legitimizes me. He rewards me, equips me, and knows me. He forgives and defends me. He pities me and pursues me. He is trustworthy to me and He strengthens and assures me. He rescues me and heals me. He champions me. He accepts me. He gives me rest. He provides for me and He is always with me. He is my joy and He answers my prayers.

2) How can I live beyond the limitations established by people in authority and influence who do not value me as God does? 
There is so much we don’t know about people. We don’t know how they’ve been treated, or fear’s effect on their souls and decisions. We don’t know why they do what they do or the complex ways in which their proclivities make them susceptible to partnering with destructive historical patterns. Historical patterns become destructive when people are adamant for the old to infiltrate the new, and when the patterns reflect lack of repentance. This causes patterns to enter the present time that are out of alignment with God.

The proclivities of people and their choices rooted in weakness, make them fickle. However, this reality doesn’t give us permission to be bitter or live behind walls. That response is ungodly and in opposition to God’s plan for love. He wants us to continue forth in fellowship. His instruction is for us to love one another, forgive one another, and esteem one another as greater than ourselves.

We may not know what will be used as a weapon formed against our lives and our freedom, but our charge is to love others even when we perceive their choices produce restrictions, disregard, and dishonor for us. Freedom exists where we don’t rely on people for our identity or security. Victory exists when we manage our response in such a way that positions us to receive opportunity instead of restriction, consideration instead of disregard, and honor instead of dishonor.

3) Is loving myself enough to heal me from people’s inability to love me?
Loving self is not enough, because we’re always outnumbered. Our self-acceptance, self-love or self-advocacy always fails against the more than one who don’t love us. But God loving us, in His full knowledge of all things, covers us. God’s acceptance of us and commitment to us, heals us. God’s heart towards us when others turn theirs away, comforts us. God’s love rescues us from drowning in rejection. His love for us doesn’t change, so it is safe. From that place of safety, we overcome. The rejection of others and weakness of self were actual tools God used to convince me of His love for me. Don’t get too distracted or offended in the process with people, that you reduce what God is doing for your good and for the good of your relationship with Him.

4) How can I heal and grow my perception of God’s leadership over my life?
Eliminate assumptions about others and God. We are loved by the One who made us, the One who saves us, and the One who will receive us when our time on earth is done. His plans for us are good and He has given us a hope and future. God is working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them. Therefore, we trust that He is aware, working, perfecting, and loving us whether we are given opportunity or met with restriction; whether we are considered or disregarded; whether we are given honor or dishonor.

Life is full of difficulty. We will be strengthened to effectively deal with difficulties when we accept that they exist. When we willingly engage them, we can receive the benefit of growth and refining that comes through trial and testing. God designed for challenges to work for our good and His glory. In order for this to be accomplished He must be invited into the center of the difficulty or challenge.

I honor my daughter whose life provoked this process and released freedom to many.

To you, Willow baby, I say:
Stand when you feel known. Stand when you feel unloved. Stand when people take risks for you. Stand when you feel rejected by those who say they love you. Stand when you feel cherished. Stand when you feel dishonored. Stand when a friend sticks close. Stand when you feel misunderstood. Stand when you’re held tight. Stand when people turn their hearts away from you. Stand when you are admired. Stand when you are undervalued. Stand when you feel sacrificed for. Stand when people’s minds change about you. Stand when people fight for you. Stand when people use manipulation to try to teach you. Stand when you’re preferred. Stand when people keep a record of wrongs against you.

Stand when doors of opportunity are open. Stand when doors of opportunity are closed. Stand when you have positional authority. Stand when you don’t have positional authority. Stand when you have the skills. Stand when you lack the skills. Stand when you’re unprepared and don’t give your best. Stand when you are praised. Stand when you’re treated as illegitimate. Stand when your best pleases one and is disapproved by another. Stand when you’re blamed. Stand when you’re favored. Stand when your leaders invalidate you. Stand when people see the gold in you. Stand when your leaders criticize you. Stand when you are trusted. Stand when people would rather stay ignorant about you. Stand when the substance of your soul is invited. Stand when you’re wanted only for your physical beauty. Stand when you are considered. Stand when you are pressured to perform. Stand when people overestimate you. Stand when you finish well. Stand when people are disappointed in you.

Stand when doubt is pressing in all around. Stand when your desire is fulfilled. Stand when you’re tired. Stand when you feel glad. Stand when you feel sad. Stand when invitations of compromise surround you. Stand when you have enough. Stand when God’s whisper is scarce. Stand when love is realized. Stand when loss is throbbing. Stand when increase is dancing. Stand when you’ve wept long enough. Stand when the fruit is good. Stand when some endure, and some don’t. Stand when things are simple. Stand when you feel alone. Stand when you feel comforted. Stand when the ache is unbearable. Stand when your victory is here. Stand when your victory is near.

Stand sissy, stand.