6 ½ years…God advanced my life and I became a resident of the southern United States, a wife, a mother of 3 children, a new friend, a health coach, and a business owner. I was submerged in southern history, values, and norms -some I liked, some I really didn’t. I met a few of the most God-spirit-filled people I know. I watched God do a marvelous work in my heart, home, and city. I also experienced more private trials and testing than any other season of my life.

I gained healing from old and young wounds of my soul (mind, will, emotions). I embraced the fact that it is possible for me to be hurting on my healing journey and valuable to others at the same time. Though it’s often said hurt people hurt people, not all phrases are a complete fit. My level of value to others is not based on my own lack of pain. Some people feel pain much less than others, some people feel it much more. Some people cause and perpetuate their own pain. Some people deny their pain, and others pacify it. If feeling no pain or having no pain was the qualifier for value or influence, we’d all be useless. The best moments I remember are when the pain I knew made way for love and mercy to come cascading forth towards others and myself.

I gained wisdom in the middle of reoccurring strain. I gained new resolve that in the same moment, I can be transformed & transformative (with God), and powerless & destructive (without God)-my authority exists in my will to choose. I gained acceptance that in the same situation I can carry responsibility and influence, but lack control. I gained confidence from being hidden to most and seen by a few. I gained gratitude from watching my body grow and break to carry and deliver three babies in three consecutive years.

I gained freedom from thought prisons. I gained deliverance from shame, and authority over fear. I gained victory from surviving through downright exhaustion. I gained maturity from choosing joy in lack. I gained fulfillment from loving others when my love tank was low. I gained liberty from saying yes to parenting God’s way and relief when I followed my husband. I gained momentum as I took risk upon risk in relationships, with God, and in the market place. I gained a worshipping tribe from making our home our sanctuary. I gained righteousness in my identity and boldness in my purpose from God’s faithfulness to me.

There was much gain. I will not minimize that for anyone’s comfort, including my own. I celebrate good fruit, and I return it to my remembrance, again and again. I must. What you just read was a brief summary of mostly good fruit because I want to convey a principle. There is always a cost involved to bear good fruit, and a cost involved to bear bad fruit. Maybe a pre-harvest cost, a post-harvest cost, or sometimes a pre and post-harvest cost. Growth can occur when we count the cost and continue forward sowing seeds for good fruit. It doesn’t occur when we count the cost then build limiting structures or revert and sow bad, old, or dead seeds.  It’s good to study our fruit, by looking closely at the harvest around us or within us. It makes us aware of how to adjust our planting in order to better align with who we want to be and the experiences and relationships we desire to have.

The cost for good fruit is the part people prefer not to discuss or listen to, but I will assuredly step into that space and share what I’ve lived through. During that same 6 ½ years that produced a praiseworthy harvest I experienced anxiety, misunderstandings, loneliness, and loss of safety in some relationships. I experienced more nos than yes’, restriction, demotion, and silence from some leaders I gave my best to. I experienced agonizing physical pain, trauma, fear, and double-mindedness. I experienced unresolved conflict, disagreement, discord, and judgement from some people I love. I experienced rejection, aloneness, disappointment, panic, and loss of opportunities. I experienced despair that turned to anger, and loss of time. I experienced trepidation as I prayed desperate prayers in the night. I experienced confusion, and consternation for how to walk by faith. I experienced lacking integrity in some friends. I experienced dishonor and disrespect from some we lead. I experienced warnings, punishment for honesty, and necessary & erred correction.

Isaiah 48:10 reads “I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering”. God’s furnace of suffering is for our refinement, not for our destruction. It is a fire that leads to life, not death. Therefore, a call to refining is not for punishment, but for purpose, and it most likely will include a form of suffering. God is not disgusted by our many impurities; He is passionate about us when we’re full of impurity and potential beauty. I carry scars, lines, and memories but no burns, no drowning, no death because He was with me, the Author of my refining. I am not a victim and we all must resist that belief; it only leads to bondage. [Scripture references used to study refining: 1 Peter 1:7, Proverbs 17:3, Psalm 66:10, 1 Peter 5:9-10, Hebrews 12:29.]

By God’s grace and His very helpful, loving presence I persevered, and He rewarded me with character and so much more, as He does when we persevere in faith. “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4, NIV). We all have a reality relative to us that can be used to produce character in us, if we let it. The plans and happenings connected to each person’s life are purposed to form them, reform them, mature them, and refine them. The suffering I experience is relative or qualified for me and can be used for my good. It’s a waste of time and foolishness to make critique, assumption, or judgement upon someone else’s tests, trials, or suffering. It’s best we each focus on encountering God while we persevere on our personal journey. There is history and relational equity I have with God from turning to Him in suffering that could have never been accrued while walking with Him in other seasons that were spared of suffering. The reward God gives for perseverance is worth the trial.