“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever” (Psalm‬ ‭73:26‬, APMC).

Tonight my husband got home from work, and within minutes I shared with him “Babe, I wasn’t my best version of mom tonight”. He looked at me with love and said, “that’s okay”. If we are honest with ourselves we know when we could have done better. Before bed I asked for forgiveness from each of my three gifts and gave them my love and affection.

The second half of the day I felt like I was “on my heels” instead of “on the balls of my feet”. Shout out to the athletes-who know when you’re on your heels in many sports situations reaction time is slower, balance is weaker, core is less engaged, extension of arms or legs is less agile, and if collision comes you’re likely to go down. Well that’s figuratively how I felt tonight-on my heels, aware I was on my heels, and struggling to shift my weight. It would have been best for me to make an adjustment once I realized my stance, because in many cases, this one being mothering three toddlers the intensity just kept coming my way.

I made some key errors along the way that worked against recovering my stance. I let cares and concerns become anxiety, I let interruptions become contentious, I let longings become wasted time, I let exhaustion become an excuse, and I let my children’s disobedience become a burden. 

Tonight there was failure. I’ve spent a lot of energy throughout my life living to avoid this word, this occurrence. Because I believed people would justify not loving me if I failed and all I really wanted was to be loved. Regardless of people’s ability to love or love me, what continually heals me is that God’s love toward me is not contingent upon or shifting because of my performance, or lack of failure. It is God’s love for me that strengthens me enough to confront moments, segments, or areas of failure in my life. His love brilliantly produces the very security, comfort, and assurance I need in order to humble myself before my family and ask for their forgiveness. This process-inspired by His love-develops my character and directly contributes to me doing or being better the “next” time. 

God’s love for me has established my identity in such a way that boundary lines have been set. When failure occurs (because it has and it will) the boundaries keep an occurrence from invading the love-filled narrative of my identity. God IS the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Amen.